Dear Danielle,
By the time I was finished reading your message my whole heart seemed as if it was ready to break in half. I felt as if I was going to start crying. I could feel water building up in my eyes. I would have cried if I was alone.
I’m so confused at this point. I really am. I’m not sure what it is that I’m doing wrong that is making you feel as if I do not want to be with you.
I am happy. I’m feeling normal. I been so unhappy for so long and I can’t explain how nice it is to not have my mind go out and think of awful negative things. I would think all the time about the bob thing, the Steve thing, the other Steve thing, how you would go out and drink and what would happen when you were out, what you were doing when you weren’t texting me back, if you were texting other guys, if you were flirting with other guys, if you were doing this or that. My mind would also be thinking about one of these things. Every single day Danielle….for a long time.
It is so nice not to get upset when you don’t text me back. It is so nice to look down at my phone and see that you haven’t answered for 20 minutes and not get upset. To not let 800 different possible reasons for why (all crazy and unreal reasons) you’re not answering in my head. To not worry about who and why you’re texting. To not worry about you cheating on me. It is so nice not to think this way.
Just because I am happy doesn’t mean I am going to leave. It means that I finally get to be happy WITH you. This is what we have been waiting for….for me to be normal, happy, and to trust you.
I tell you every single day that I want to be with you. I do not let you go by one day, even one hour without telling you how much i love you. I seriously tell you I love you about every other text. I also tell you how much I want to be with you. How I want to marry you, how I want you to have my children.
Isn’t this being supportive of you? Isn’t this showing you I’m not leaving? Isn’t this showing you I’m here for you and I’m staying to help you work past things? To get you happy again?
Why do you think I’m going to leave? Why do you think I don’t need you anymore?
I can’t seem to answer these questions.
The past 8 or 9 months we have spent about every single day together. Maybe even longer then that. And when we weren’t together we were texting. That’s amazing. I love spending time with you. I always want to be with you and spend as much time as I can with you. That’s why we hang out all the time. Because i enjoy your as a person and i enjoy our time together.
When I told you that we could hang out and go out without another sometimes it wasn’t because I didn’t want to spend time with you. It wasn’t that at all. I want to spend every weekend with you still. I want to see you during the week. I want to spend as much time with you as I can. That is what I want.
However, if one weekend my friends invited me out, or if I wanted to go out to a football game or to dinner with friends I should be able too. That doesn’t mean I love you any less, or that I want to spend less time with you. It doesn’t mean that at all. It works the same way for you as well. If you want to go out with Ashley or go to dinner or even just stay in and relax. You should be able too. Space apart from another is okay. Nothing is wrong with that.
Our views have not changed. I still do not like going out to parties and drinking with large groups of people. You do like doing those things. Everything else is still the same.
I don’t understand what else we do not agree on.
Taking a break is like giving up. A break would only push us father apart. (I can only speak for myself and I know I would be pushed away) What if we take a break and you are happy again and having fun? You’re having fun going out and doing this and that. Then what? You wouldn’t want to get back together.
Why risk something like that? It just doesn’t make sense in my head.
We are together or we are not together. No in between bullshit.
I understand you’re upset and you’re having a hard time right now. But i have done everything I can. i try and make you talk to me about things, have you tell me whats on your mind. I tell you how much you mean to me, i tell you how much i love you. I do all of these things to try and be supportive of you. I’m doing everything I can.
However, it feels like you won’t give me the time of day. You won’t speak to me. Every time something is wrong or is bothering you, you will shut me out and leave me in the dark. You feel like a stranger when I lay next to you. Your walls are up. It feels like the won’t ever come back down. That scares me.
I love you more then anything Danielle. I want to be with you and only you. I love everything about you and everything we have. What we have is perfect and i do not plan on leaving you. Ever. I do not know how much more clear I can be.
You tell me that I am the one pushing you away, but in reality, you’re the one pushing me away. I’ve tried being there for you, I tried tell you to talk to me. But you won’t talk to me about whats wrong. About what you’re feeling. Thats key in a relationship, especially with everything thats going on right now. When we hang out, it feels as if I do not even know you. You seem so far away from me and you seem like you don’t even want to be there. I can just tell by the look you have in your eyes. Maybe its because of how anxious you are. idk. But you have the fear of me leaving you. This fear has been eating you up inside, leaving you sleepless at nights. And with everything going on right now, all the fighting, I bet you have been even more worried about us breaking up. But here is the thing, I love you. I do not plan on leaving you. You’re my whole world and you make me so happy. This fear of me leaving you is causing you to push me away from you. You don’t even realize that you’re doing it. In fact you say I’m pushing you away. I’m not. Normally I’m the one with all the problems, and recently I have been fine and in good moods. I feel like that is making you even more off balance because you do not know what to do. Normally I’ll be crazy and picking dumb little fights because I get upset easily or over dumb little things because I get jealous. You think I’m texting you differently, and that I do not want to hang out all the time. None of these things are true at all. I wish you could see it. Before a part of me wouldn’t want you to go out because I had a fear of you cheating on me. So for me to deal with having this fear I thought well lets hang out all the time and then she can’t cheat. That made sense in my head. (Obviously I love hanging out with her, or else I wouldn’t want to be with her. I don’t want it to seem like thats the only reason we would hang out because thats not true at all.) I’m at this point now, that I’m feeling normal and content with us. I was able to let things go from the past and really trust you. I’m trying to give us normal space that couples have. Nothing is wrong with that. You should be able to go out on friday nights if you want and I should be able to hang out with friends. But next week, we can spend every single day and night together. I’m not saying I do not want to be with you or that I do not want to spend time with you. I’m not saying that at all. I just believe we can have other plans some times, and that should be okay. You’re still my whole world and you still mean so much to me and I’m falling even more in love with you. I just wish you would see that I’m never going to leave. I plan on being with you. It kills me to see you’re upset and it kills me even more how you push me away by not speaking to me about these things.
Where do I want to go to college at?
I have always dreamed of going to college in NYC and spending the rest of my life there. There is something about the city that makes me feel complete and happy. Maybe its because there are endless amounts of possibilities there. Or maybe its because of the unknown there, the fact that I have no idea how the streets run or my way around, good places to eat. Each and every single day would be an amazing discovery of something new. Something fresh and thrilling, something I have never seen before. My life would be like this every day. Could you imagine?
However, distance scares me. It is not like I can get in my car and be home in 20 minutes. It would take anywhere between two to four hours to get home. To my safe place, some where I feel relaxed and in my own setting. What if I can not fight a job right after college? I’m in NYC homeless? Or I would have to move home to live with my parents again until I get a job? Then whats the point of even going if i’ll still be right back where I started? This is one of the biggest things that is making me lean more towards staying here.
What about SJU? I love it there. It’s in a city. It might not be NYC, but it’s a city. They have an amazing co op program. This will put me out into the business world while I’m still in school and after college, I’ll have a job. That’s amazing. This would still be new and exciting. After college, I could always move back home until I have money to rent or buy a home or apartment.
What if I do not like St. Johns? What if I do not fit in?
What if I absolutely love it? What if I do fit it?
What if I do not have a job after school? And I have to move home?
What if SJU is perfect? What If it leaves me with an amazing job?
It’s crazy how this one choice with change my whole life. I always thought I knew what I wanted, and I thought I had it all figured out. But not that it’s time to make moves, I’m lost.
so my girlfriend is at college and I’m still in north carolina on vacation and last night I was feeling a little down. I was like scared she would leave me at some point because she is a college and that’s a whole different life. She tells me all the time how much she loves me and she will never hurt me or leave me. I believe her I do. But some times I just start to think negatively and let them get the best of me and I just get upset and scared. We talked about it last night and it just feel like it turned into something so much bigger. I told her I would be okay and we said I love you and hung up. Normally one of us will text eachother once we get off the phone but I fell a sleep a few minutes after that so I didn’t and when I woke up she didn’t text me then or good morning. She tweeted something about not know what to do and how she had no sleep last night and that she is sad or something. I’m so worried I filled her head with doubt and now she’s debating breaking up or not. That’s the last thing I wanted to do. I feel so empty inside right now and so upset I can’t even describe it. All I wanna do is just sleep and never wake up. I hate know that this is happening between us. I never ever ever wanted this. I just want to be happy with her.
So today I got a toll violation for $55 got blowing a toll but I had an easy pass in my car and it just didn’t go off. Last week red box charged me $25 for not returning a movie when I don’t even remember not returning one. I get paid Friday so I’ll pay the violation and then my car needs breaks and then I’m getting the car inspect on Monday so basically I’ll have $0 after all of this perfect.
I’d say we fixed everything pretty fast. I don’t think not talking to you or not being around you so it was hard to not get over things, but it still doesn’t change how much you hurt me and how disappointed I was, well I still am feeling that way. I have always said I’d do whatever I have to have things perfect and have us together, and that’s why I’m not holding onto this fight. But don’t mistake that as if you can do whatever you want and we will be okay after a day, because I promise I wont put up with this again. I’m not saying that to be an asshole, I’m saying that because I don’t want to be hurt again, and again, and again.. This seems to be all we fight about so if this is out of the way then I don’t see us fighting anymore. I hate fighting with you, I really do. It’s the worse thing in the world. I do love you an unbelievable amount, and I’d do anything for you and us. Just please don’t do this again?
I have been sleeping all day and I won’t be able to sleep night and I’ll prolly end up over thinking shit and getting even more upset. Perfect.
Im always unhappy. I really don’t understand why I can’t be happy for once or why something can’t go right.
You honestly pushed me so far away from you last night. I can’t believe you sat there and lied to my face. Told me one thing, when something else completely different happened. You always said you would never lie to me, but you did. If you can’t tell me the truth here in person, how am I ever going to believe you when you’re at Penn State? I’m just tired of trying so hard and just putting you first. I’m so unhappy with everything in life and you’re the last thing I wanted to be unhappy with. I honestly don’t even know. I clearly want to be with you, but what you did was wrong. You never should have said that to him, and you shouldn’t of lied about it. All I want is us to be completely happy. You’re the one and only person that I have been able to count on and know is always there for me. I never want to lose you or fight with you. I was planning on telling you that I loved you last night, and then this whole fight thing happened. I wanted you to remember me telling you that in a happy moment, not a mad one. I do love you, and there have been so many times where I almost said it but I have been to scared. I want to work things out and really have everything perfect. We both have stuff we need to work and I’m more than willing to do anything and you need to be in the same mindset as well.
Today we got these German foreign exchange students and they are all really attractive and I’m like obsessed with them. I want one.
so I have been thinking, instead of getting upset about little things and over thinking everything, who cares. If something is going to happen it will, driving myself crazy of little things doesn’t make sense if in the end it’s going to happen anyway. I’m tired of not being happy, and I do it to myself. So honestly fuck it, and yolo.
today, I got a call down to the main office during homeroom and I was so scared, i thought I was getting in trouble. But I got down there, and the vice principle brought me to her office and she said someone left a little gift for you, and there on her desk was a cake and on it said “Prom? -Danielle”
It honestly made my whole day and I had the biggest smile on my face all day and I was telling everyone lol. She goes to an all girls private school and it’s her senior prom or else I would have asked her.
on a positive note tho, this one lady who is always sweet and always comes into salad works came in today and I made her two salads and she said you’re my favorite, you always make the best salads!!! And she took my name and told me she was going to call the owner and tell him how great I was. She made my day. :)
